360?

today started off just like any other ordinary day. go to lectures, study in between, come home, go online and feel happy. but today, it didn't end too well. i ended my day feeling confused, lost, worried, helpless and stressed up.

it all happened after i picked my brother up from the uni at 8pm. he came in and he started talking about the 360 exchange programme with my mom. he talked about all his plans, which country he's looking into going and the reasons and so on. looks like he did quite a lot of research in just a day.

then it came to me. this is where the normal me started feeling shitty as i still don't have any idea what i want to do in the future. what do i want out of this course? What do i want to do after i graduate? Where do i want to work? What kind of job will i be doing? What am i aiming for? So many questions, I don't have any answers to them.

Mum said it was alright to go into uni not knowing all these but by now, i should know after being exposed to my course. By now I should have a slight idea as to where I'm heading to, so i can choose which university i want to go to for my 360, what kind of experience i want to gain out of this and what kind of papers I should take and also, the reasons!

It got me all worried. I don't want to graduate and be jobless. I'm confused. I really don't know what I want. I wanted to just study, get a permanent head damage and be called Dr.Chan. Why do I want that? Ok, for some childish reason - I want to be special. I don't want to just be Ms.Chan, I want to be Dr.Chan. But, there's no point getting a permanent head damage and still be jobless. I'm lost. It's kinda hard to explain the feeling I'm having. It's just...... just not a nice feeling. *sigh* I'm thinking, maybe i'm not mature enough yet to be sensible, still having the mind of a young child - just want to have fun.

man! should i even be feeling like this at all? Is it still alright to have that just-go-with-the-flow attitude? if it is, i want to do that and just see where the current takes me.

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ok, was chatting while blogging this. it's 11pm now btw. now i'm feeling much better. the miracles of msn-ing. my source of laughter. not bad eh? thanks to those who were online and chat with me. you people made my day. at least now, it didn't end bitter :D