no, i can't handle it anymore... i don't know why. i kept on telling myself to think positive, it's not that bad, no big deal, i can handle it, just ignore the bad and laugh and everything will be all good. but no, all the sucky feelings just keep on coming back. last few days, i kept on having hopes that i will be able to play, i will be able to play. but today, reality check came in. went to the accupuncturist and he said my sprain is pretty bad. i've torn the ligaments and broke some blood vessels. not allowed to run or jump as i might make it worst and will take a longer time to heal. like what the physio said, i need at least one month and can be even more.
he poked some needles into my ankle and leg, send some electric thingy through my leg for 30 mins (very weird feeling, u feel vibration going on beneath the skin), apply some heat (i cldnt feel it coz something is damaged as well...dno what larr.. he was speaking mandarin to my parents and i didn't understand some words....), press here press there, squeeze some clotted blood out, put some medicine, bandaged it up. now i can walk normal but slow. but at least i can walk. but i'm not allowed to run or jump. must stay away from sports for at least a month. that whole 30 minutes lying down there, i was just thinking :"damn damn damn! why must this happen to me? why am i so unlucky?"...
sigh.... on the way home, sucky feelings came up again, had tears in my eyes. now, sucky feelings is still here. i really can't take it anymore. i wanted to just go to my mom and let out everything since i've no one else to let it out on.... maybe if my brother is here, i wld do that..... coz she won't understand i guess. she'll just say :"what? u telling me u want to play after u've injured urself so bad? u don't want to heal is it?". how do i kno she wld say that? coz she's said that before. but no, this time it's not that. this time i just need to complain and whine. so since i don't have anyone to let out my feelings, i'll just do it here..... sorry but i have to coz i want to feel better....
to be honest, never in my life have i volunteered to train hard for something and push myself and got so enthusiastic about it. this is so stupid, it's just a game, probably just a friendly game where u mix arnd with other msians arnd nz. why did i push myself? i dno, i guess it's just for self satisfaction? the kind of satisfaction u get when u know u deserve it after all the hard work even if u don't win but u know it's the best u did.....no, i hvn't been satisfied with myself for a very very long time. can't even remember when was the last time. i just realized, the last time i trained so hard for something, the hard work also did not pay off. but that wasn't voluntary at first, i was being pushed to train for it by mr.ang(swimming coach for those dat dno). it was 2001 where he realized i'm a potential long distance nd he decided to train me up for it for msss 2002 since nt many ppl do long distance, i stood a chance. i trained for it, wanted to give up so many times coz it got boring but he kept on pushing me, telling me the hard work will be paid off, kept on motivating me. when it got to the end of the year, parents said i'm going to nz the following yr to study. i got angry, disappointed, sad......sort of the feeling i'm having now..... i gave up after i came to nz... don't see the point of training hard for anything anymore as i do not want that disappointment again.... whole of college life, never push myself, never give it my best for anything....came out of college, realized i wasn't satisfied with myself.... regretted so many things that i cld hv done....
so this yr at uni, i decided to make a change nd go for it. joined umsa, joined netball, was lucky to get into the team and then i made a goal...to train hard for it since i hvnt played it before and be as good as the rest of the team and do my best in the game. that wld easily give me self-satisfaction. just last week, i thought --- no way can i be disappointed, what could happen? it's finally happening!! i'm gna get my self satisfaction!!! so close, yet so FAR just because of a stupid clumsy move.....stil cnt believe that that fall caused all of this!!! yes, i'm disappointed. the cycle has repeated itself. i'm over-reacting, i know but i can't help it. think about it, it's only what....2 months of hard training? why am i making such a big fuss out of it? why am i as disappointed as 4 yrs ago? that was more than 2 months, that was nearly a year.... do ppl tend to over-react as they get older? i analyzed it.... i kno y i'm over-reacting.. coz next yr i know for a fact that i won't put in as much effort as this year... why? it' s just my character....... i'm afraid of disappointment again....hence, i won't want to put in much effort anymore....i give up......
i accepted those criticisms and yellings coz of my mistakes, i accepted the fact that i'm not good, i accepted that my catching/throwing sucks, i accepted that my leg works are very ugly, i get all worried when something isn't right, i crack my head to think how to fix it, i accepted the fact that i can't shoot, i felt bad for being a GA coz i sucked, i worked hard to improve my shooting, i worked hard to improve my catching and throwing, i tell myself i suck and i have to do better, i always try to think of new moves when i hear "don't always do the same move", i drive all the way frm tamaki to city every fridays and then to windmill, i played under the rain once and continued despite the allergies i got frm dirty rain water, i tahan the itchiness due to rain water nd continued playing, i made a point to go to rec centre on weekdays to practice even if it's just one hr, i practiced even when exams are so near/exams are on, i was learning how to split my legs better after catching the ball, i was learning how to improve communication with yin in the D, i was learning how to communicate with the C and WA......all this for NOTHING
ahh!! feel so much better letting it all out. hope when i wake up tmrw morning, i will accept the fact that i can't play. coz right now in me, there's still this tiny voice saying "shermayne, don't give up, u still can play. still got one more week. just don't care, injure it again and then u can fix it again." so i hope the bigger voice in me will conquer the little voice coz the big voice is saying :" u siao arrr? injure again then might not be able to fix!! accupuncturist already say NO running, no jumping, no SPORTS...after he found out u've been playing, u dead meat larr u!!! mother scold, father scold, accupuncturist might scold and say can't be fixable"...
anyhuuzzz....thanks to everyone who wished me well, really nice of you all to do that. really appreciate it. thanks!!! and sorry to those who i shut off today on msn saying i don't have mood to talk, make any jokes or laugh with. so sorry!! i really didn't have the mood and the crazy/funny side of me was switched off.....happy shermayne will be back soon so plz dun stop talking to me!!!!! byebye!!!!
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