i'm feeling sooooooooo.................. bluekkkkk right now.... arghh!! not a nice feeling at all.... everyone's grumpy.. it's not nice at all... grrrrr.....can't sleep... that's why i'm blogging.. hopefully i'll feel better by the end of this.....
u know what? i just realized that i'm always giving in too much.. it sucks.... coz when u always give in, ppl wld expect u to give in all the time and do things for them.. and when u make a mistake, u get blamed..... nd when u try to stand up for urself for once, it's hard... it's hard to say no.. when u say no, u'll automatically hv this guilt in you and u'll feel that it's ur fault straight away..... it's hard to say what u really want.... it's also hard to please everyone around you.... i hate this feeling.. i really really do.... i mean, you please one side but it won't favour the other side..... i hate it!!!! nd u will be called inconsiderate, inflexible just because u made the wrong choice but actually u think of a lot of things before making that choice..... and when u want to try to fix it and make it easier for someone, u get rejected....man, this is the first time where i blog and hv tears in my eyes at the same time.... kinda weird....
i think i'm not going to do it anymore... will just let the rest do it.... all i get is all the blames... "why didn't u do that?"..."you should have said it earlier on!"... "perhaps u're too young that's why u can't understand."....yea, i prob agree with the last one... and i can't handle the blames... and i can't take it.. maybe i'm making it such a big deal eventho it's just minute... but how can it be minute when everyone is grumpy???? even getting a freaking ruler can be grumpy? ishhh!!!! i hate feeling bad...... even if i do this, i'll just do it once awhile when help is really needed...or when they beg me...hah!!!!! i'm gna get a proper job.. gna go check out student job search one of these days..maybe on wednesday... hopefully i can get a coaching job.... pays well... 13 bucks an hr.... keep myself busy so they can't drag me into it... i can even say.. i'm getting experience frm it..something that will be useful in my course... or maybe get a job at the gym... i dno.. i'm inexperienced.... but hopefully get a job that has something to do with my course.. or maybe work at countdown or something first if they require some working experience.... i mean the one i've been doing all the time isn't really working experience.... it's not even certified or anything....
i'm just gna forget everything.. i'm gna try to be a bit more assertive.... to the right people of course.... i must learn not to feel bad all the time... screw it if you're not happy! u might be thinking everything is always going my way coz i'm all happy all the time... and i'm making this such a big fuss just because it's not going my way.. think again!! so many things happened and i'm not happy with it but i learn to live with it, compromise and make it seem as nothing happened and just put on a fake smile.... but now, i really can't.... ENOUGH is ENOUGH... maybe next time i shldn't give in at all so one day when i give in, then i'll be appreciated.....
on the brighter side, caris delivered cape seed bread and hot Xsss to me today!!!!! ahh! it's hot X's season again!!! oh yeaa!!!! nd she lent me her super thick bio book in exchange of me helpin her in chem.... hahaha! more like i just told her to search google and gave her my notes frm last year.... didn't get much work done but at least we did get some work done.. learnt a new word.... toluene... haha! thank goodness i'm not doing chem this year.. poor her.... and my bio notes are up to date atm....
tmrw's the start of week 2 of uni....arghh! i'll survive.... hopefully i'm alive on wednesday.... tuesday we are apparently gna do 10k of exercise in total for lab in exercise precription.... haha! fun! NOT!
nitez nd i'm feeling heaps better! do not question what i was really talking abt.... it's for me to know, and NOT for u to find out.... byeeeee!!!
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